Tag Archives: humor

These Rage 2 Characters Have Amazing Names But No Backstories, So I Made Some Up

I’ve met some real characters during my time playing Rage 2. And by characters, I mean glorified quest dispensers. There’s old guy, cool lady, and of course—who could forget?—third main story person. These folks get functional speaking parts, but I honestly can’t remember a word they’ve said. They’re bland potato people in a perfunctory post-apocalyptic stew. But some of Rage 2‘s characters deserve better. I speak, of course, of all the otherwise faceless NPCs with in-friggin’-credible names.

Rage 2—a game I’m enjoying because The Guns Feel Good, and sometimes that’s all you need—feels like it could’ve been the bizarro garage punk noise solo its trailers tried to portray it as, but then its mom came in and told it to turn down that awful racket. So now it’s got a standard-issue video game setting, but all the ladders are pink, because fuck you, mom. There are, however, sprinkles of legitimate strangeness throughout the game in the form of characters with names that beautifully straddle the line between trying too hard and not trying even a single bit. These, dear reader, are their names (that I didn’t make up) and their stories (that I did make up).

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Bruise Armbar

A retired MMA fighter who earned his nickname by being wholly unable to bruise or armbar anybody and having very mean friends.

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Annie Hilator

“Name’s Annie,” she tells people she meets through her job as a security guard outside a very exclusive club. “Annie Hilator,” she adds with a sly grin. “Get it?” No one’s ever gotten it.

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Hella Brew

The coolest person in the whole wasteland. In his mind.

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Ryan Cockaim

By day: the quietest guy at the accounting firm. By night: definitely does porn.

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Fistu Lars

Ryan Cockaim’s partner. Not in porn, surprisingly, but very supportive of all his lover’s pursuits. Doesn’t believe in “the institution of marriage,” but would still kind of like it if Ryan proposed.

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Peter O’Nails

Every time anyone’s asked him how his day is going, he’s replied “bad.”

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Acid Rayne

Actually a staunch conservationist, trying to bring plants and wildlife back to this smoking crater of a world. He swears he saw a duck once, to the point that it’s the only story he tells at parties. People laugh at him for this, and he suffers from pretty bad depression.

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Lazer Fist

She is THE LAW.

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Brucer

Younger brother of Bruce, older brother of Brucest.

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Bad Bertha

Probably one of the top ten worst Berthas, but surprisingly not that bad as far as people go, in general.

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Andi Wasteland

SWEARS the wasteland was named after her and not the other way around. Might be right???

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Bronco Koronco

Can only say his own name. Is the life of every party.

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OPULENT CHASTITY

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RIGHTEOUS HAND

!!!

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@Oyez_Klang

The final Twitter user. Named by his mother, who was the final Twitter user before him. She passed away many years ago, but remains his only follower. It’s all very tragic, actually.

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Lisa Nailgun

The real main character of Rage 2. You’re just a supporting character in their story. Sorry to break it to you this way. If you need someone to help you process this, just hit me up. I’m happy to help. You know I care about you.

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DognBone von Carrotcake

Like I’d sully a name this good with some pithy made-up story.

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Durk Viscous

Right hand man of DognBone von Carrotcake. Knows very little about about them. Loves them with all his heart. Spends all day on the internet re-posting #relatablecontent.

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Wimothy Tillits

I don’t know. Some loser, probably.

Source: Kotaku.com

Family Life Has Turned One Of World Of Warcraft’s Greatest Heroes Into Mel Gibson

In the latest cinematic trailer for World of Warcraft, orc leader Varok Saurfang travels to Outland in search of legendary Horde warchief Thrall, who retired with his wife and children following the events of the Legion expansion. What Saurfang finds is green Mel Gibson, but is it Braveheart Mel Gibson or The Patriot Mel Gibson?

Family life has treated Thrall pretty well. After killing his old friend Garrosh Hellscream toward the end of Warlords of Draenor and passing on leadership of the Earthen Ring to a player character in Legion, WoW’s orc daddy decided it was time to focus on his family. Gathering his wife and son, Thrall left for the rolling plains of Nagrand on the shattered remnants of the orc homeworld of Draenor.

When we last saw the Horde hero, he looked basically like this.

As seen in the cinematic below, Thrall’s been working on himself since then. He built a nice little homestead, grown out his hair and stopped plucking his eyebrows. He’s become Mel Gibson.

I thought I might be alone in thinking this. Maybe I harbored some deep-seated obsession with the anti-semitic actor. But no, within the first couple of comments on Blizzard’s post, my observation was echoed. Thrall has a green Mel Gibson vibe going here.

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Again, not sure if it’s Braveheart Gibson or Patriot Gibson. The braids and the orcish love of war paint immediately bring William Wallace to mind, but Thrall’s major concern isn’t anyone taking away his freedom. In the cinematic, we discover that Sylvanas Windrunner, current Horde warchief and all-around murderous nutball, sent assassins to murder Thrall and likely his family. A retired war hero drawn back into battle when his family is in danger makes me think of The Patriot. I’m torn.

Either way, green Mel Gibson returns to active duty in World of Warcraft in the upcoming Rise of Azshara update. Whichever version he turns out to be, he’s sure to be much more likable than white Mel Gibson.

Source: Kotaku.com

Dear Overwatch, Let Me Ride The Motorcycle

 

Earlier this week, when Blizzard introduced Overwatch’s latest co-op mission, Storm Rising, the teaser trailer featured Tracer on a motorcycle. It was accompanied by the tagline “Chase the truth.” When I logged in to try out the mission today, I was immediately greeted by a screen of Tracer on a motorcycle. I started the mission. A cut-scene prominently featuring Tracer on a motorcycle played. Despite all this, I was not able to ride the motorcycle. This is a travesty.

The mission is fine. Not great, but fine. It’s basically that scene at the start of an Avengers movie where all the heroes work together to beat up a bunch of scrubs who normally wouldn’t even warrant a stern look from Nick Fury, but the filmmakers have to show that The Gang’s All Here and set up the actual plot. It’s time for Hulk to grab a normal human man and peel him like a banana or something. The problem with Storm Rising is that it ends after that part. Tracer, Winston, Mercy, and Genji run through a level battering the same selection of no-name soldiers from last year’s co-op mission. They’re pursuing a rich Omnic—a humanoid robot, basically—named Maximilien, and then we get a cutscene that introduces some menacing new robo-villain. That’s it. It feels like a setup for something. This has led to disappointment among Overwatch fans, who expected more after a year between co-op missions.

The reason I’m disappointed is that I couldn’t ride the motorcycle. It’s pretty simple math, really: If you show me your game’s main character on a motorcycle, I expect to be able to ride it. This becomes achingly true if you show me that motorcycle in three separate places before I even get to the part where I play the dang game. And you allude to a chase scene! The mission, as it stands, is not a chase at all. That part happens in cut-scenes, and it’s way cooler than anything you actually do in the mission. Tracer weaves between a heavily armored convoy guarding Maximilien on her glorious new hover-steed, and then she dispatches soldiers with some good old-fashioned motorcycle-fu. Winston, Genji, and Mercy obliterate cars in their own cool ways, too, but the motorcycle, man!

 

It’s not like riding a motorcycle is some unattainable video game fantasy. Games have let me voyage to infinite worlds and experience sights that humans of previous eras couldn’t comprehend. They have also let me ride motorcycles and use them as swords. I imagine those ancient people—our hardy forebears, the First Men—would want to ride the Overwatch motorcycle, too. There is a pulse that beats in all of us no matter where or when we’re from, no matter how much knowledge of the world’s inscrutable workings we contain. It tells us to persevere, to move forward, to live. To ride the motorcycle.

I get it: Overwatch is a video game that was not, strictly speaking, designed with motorcycles in mind. It probably would’ve taken far too much work for what is, ultimately, a one-off event. Cool. The last thing I’d want is for Blizzard employees to overwork themselves for the sake of a throwaway feature. With that in mind, why include the motorcycle at all? Tracer’s whole thing is that she’s fast. She could easily run or time hop to catch up with the convoy. If Blizzard still wanted wheels in the equation, they could’ve given her Heelys. As is, giving Tracer a motorcycle is kind of like giving Sonic The Hedgehog a car, or a snowboard, or any number of other means of locomotion that aren’t his furry, movie-poster legs: it misses the whole point.

Again, though, I’d be willing to overlook those gaping logical fallacies if I was just able to ride the motorcycle. To feel the wind in my virtual hair and see the open road outstretched before me, crowded with hopeless scrub soldiers for me to knock down like so many viscera-filled bowling pins. Alas, I fear I will only ever be able to ride that Overwatch motorcycle in my dreams.

Source: Kotaku.com

The Internet Reacts To Nintendo’s Weirdly Suggestive Toad Promotional Video

Hey, it’s Toad, loyal pal of Princess Peach and Mario. Who doesn’t love Toad? What are you up to, buddy? How’s it hangin— Oh. Oh no.

This clip of someone seemingly stomping on Toad’s whole dick—which, as long as we’re opening this Pandora’s Box, probably has its own little face—comes to us courtesy of Nintendo’s official Line account. Line is a messaging service that’s popular in Japan but also available in North America. Nintendo’s advertising on Line often includes a green Toad who’s appeared alongside characters in games like Undertale and Final Fantasy X in those games’ art styles. It’s charming! Kinda. Never once, however, have I thought, “Wow, I sure do want to learn more about Green Toad.” Never once have I said, “I wonder if Green Toad enjoys dick torture.”

Today, Nintendo answered the question no one asked. As part of a Green Toad-themed promo for the new Nintendo Labo VR kit, which came out today, Nintendo showed off a cardboard Toad getting stomped on and making a series of deeply uncomfortable noises. Supposedly, he was doing sit ups, as evidenced by the image of a super buff Green Toad that appeared immediately afterward. The internet, however, had other ideas.

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Source: Kotaku.com

Snake Gets Added To Google Maps

Snake, the game most famous for its appearance on ancient Nokia phones, is making a temporary comeback over the next day or two (depending on where you are in the world) with a version being added to Google Maps for an April 1 treat.

It’s available from April 1 on both iOS and Android, and Google says it’ll be live “for about a week”. To access it, just slide out the menu, pick a city and try not to make too many jokes about the state of everyone’s actual public transport system.

If you’re on desktop—or just want to play it later, since it’s going to be live much longer here—there’s also a website where the game is playable with a keyboard.

Google has a long history of taking a day normally associated with tricks and pain and doing genuinely cool and interactive stuff, like foreshadowing Pokemon Go back in 2014.

Source: Kotaku.com

New Doom Map Recreates A Famously Terrible Bathroom

Two years ago, a Something Awful user decided to renovate his bathroom, and did it in about the worst way possible. Not only was it a garish mess—it looks like a Helghast home improvement show—but he violated a bunch of building codes with some reckless DIY along the way.

As bad as all that is, you can now enjoy it from a distance with a Doom map that faithfully recreates the room. It also has an excellent name.

If you’re wondering why the ground around the bath is causing damage, that’s because the actual bathroom featured rocks all around the bath (designed to grow moss), and the damage caused to Doom Guy is a reflection of the damage we have all had to take looking at this casino/Yakuza bar colour scheme.

You can download the map here.

Via Motherboard.

Source: Kotaku.com

Mexican Newspaper Prints Graphic Of The New Pokémon Games: Sword, Shield, And Gun

One of the funniest reactions to last week’s reveal of Pokémon Sword and Shield for the Nintendo Switch was Twitter user @Sir5000’s joking addition of Pokémon Gun to the lineup. The mock logo is so convincing, Mexican newspaper La Voz de Michoacán ran with it.

On February 27 the La Voz de Michoacán website ran a story about the announcement of Pokémon Sword and Shield. The story made no mention of Gun, the joke game that does not exist, but did include a retweeted version of @Sir5000’s image.

It was an odd choice of Tweets to include. Then the print version of the paper, published on March 2, made an even odder choice. The story, written by Mario Plancarte, contained no mention of Pokémon Gun. The accompanying art, however, included all three logos, each corresponding to one of the game’s starters. The glorious Scorbunny and weeping Sobble are Shield and Sword respectively, while grass monkey Grookey looks like he’s reaching for a pistol.

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Twitter user Cin Ceja brought the article to light on March 3 with the message, “My local newspaper, always doing research before publishing anything.”

According to print article author Plancarte, he was only responsible for the written portion of the page. The department responsible for formatting the article looks to have combined official Nintendo art of the starters with the two real and one fake logos. It looks like the paper even scrubbed @Sir5000’s watermark from the Gun logo. La Voz de Michoacán issued an apology for the silly image earlier today.

We’re just disappointed that the newspaper wasn’t reporting a huge scoop. We’d really like Nintendo to make a game called Pokémon Gun.

Source: Kotaku.com

Goofy Dad Returns To Recreate Smash Bros. Ultimate Taunts

With a new Smash Bros. game out, the biggest Smash Bros. game of all time, it should come as no surprise that Nick Luciano’s now 67-year-old dad is back to perform each of its over 200 fighter taunts.

Nick Luciano’s dad previously performed all the taunts from Smash Bros. Wii U, followed by all of the poses from Street Fighter II, and eventually even the summons from Final Fantasy VIIwith his butt. Now he’s back to doing the classics, like Jigglypuff’s “Jigglypuff!” and Captain Falcon’s “Show me your moves,” as well as stretching his talents with the game’s newest characters.

Back in November, Smash Bros. director Masahiro Sakurai said the game’s DLC characters were already all decided. Be that as it may, I think Nick Luciano’s dad has more than earned his spot.

Source: Kotaku.com