Tag Archives: humor

Finding A Snake In Your House: The Kotaku Review

I don’t have a problem with snakes, spiders, scorpions or any other small and potentially dangerous creatures that lurk outside. That’s their territory. I get it. But when one of these things come into my apartment, I find it annoying. It also is a terrible thing to come home to in the middle of the night.

Earlier this week I attended a wonderful birthday party with friends. It was a good party, not one of those weird parties where people drink energy drinks and mix them together into gross concoctions. After hours of fun and enjoyment, my girlfriend and I headed home. We arrived, turned on the lights, said hello to the cats and began to relax. That was until suddenly I heard my girlfriend shout my name from the living room.

“Zaaaaccccckkkkk? What’s this? Is this…..a SNAKE?!”

Her reaction was a mixture of fear, anger, shock and a bit of confusion. All fair reactions to have when you find a snake in your house. She had walked over to the sliding glass door and discovered a coiled up black snake, about a foot and an inch long. It was resting on a small brown rug.

I walked over, assuming it wasn’t a snake. Maybe it was too dark and she was confused? Maybe it was a piece of string that had been piled up by the cats? But when I rounded the corner and found her crouched over a black pile on the rug I almost immediately saw what it was. It was, in fact, a snake.

A lot of things shot through my head at that moment. Too many to list here. But two key things stayed in my mind: What kind of snake is this and how do I get rid of it? I grew up in Florida. I’ve handled snakes before, even though I really shouldn’t have. Look, I watched a lot of The Crocodile Hunter and Jeff Corwin Experience on Animal Planet. I also lived in a state that is basically a tropical jungle on top of a swamp. So I spent time outside catching things a kid shouldn’t catch. As a result, I was able to identify the snake as a Garter Snake, which is non-venomous.

Here’s the thing though. Looking at images of garter snakes now, after the event, I feel very confident that I identified it correctly. But at the moment, with a snake in your home and cats coming over to investigate, I was far less confident. So as my girlfriend held the cats back, I grabbed a small bowl and gently, but quickly, covered the snake. Then I slid the entire brown rug outside and as I did this the bowl shifted and out popped the head of a snake.

My hand, which was holding the bowl down, was now a few inches from a small snakehead which was looking at me. I calmy, but rather quickly, lifted my hand and in one motion spun the rug onto the porch and flipped the plastic bowl off the snake.

I’ve not moved the rug back in and it remains where it landed after the flip.
Photo: Zack Zwiezen

After our snake encounter, we plugged up a small gap in the sliding glass door, which seems to be the only way it could have gotten inside. The fear of another snake coming in lingered for the rest of the night. I’m not worried about another Garter Snake sneaking in. I’m worried about a dangerous snake getting in through the same method. 

I’m also sorry that during this ordeal I never snapped a photo of the snake. While I was dealing with this snake, the last thing I thought about was documenting it with a camera. This is more evidence that found footage films are bullshit. Seriously, I only ran into a small snake and didn’t film it. Why would someone fighting an evil bigfoot or whatever film it for hours and hours?

After all of this, as it slithered away into bushes that I will now fear a bit for the next few months, I felt proud that I didn’t just kill it. Snakes are amazing creatures, important parts of our local ecosystems and deserve respect.

But it absolutely sucks when they decide to slither into your house in the middle of the night. Not hoping for any sequels. This feels like a good way to start and end the Finding A Snake In Your House franchise.

Source: Kotaku.com

I Played Breath of the Wild With My Sister And Put Her Through Hell

It’s not often I replay games, but when my sister asked for something to play together, I suggested The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. More than two years had passed since I completed Link’s adventure on my own, and I wanted her to experience it ahead of the recently-announced sequel. Let me recount all the ways I led her astray during her adventures in Hyrule.

I enjoyed my second Breath of the Wild adventure more than my first. It’s probably more accurate to say that I enjoyed it in different ways. The first time I played the Nintendo Switch’s 2017 game, and experienced all the strange and wonderful secrets Hyrule had to offer, it was eye-opening. This time with my sister, and armed with pre-knowledge of all to expect, I got to watch someone else be enthralled and listen to differing opinions on certain aspects of the game. It was interesting observing her approaches to tackling Hyrule’s various locations (even if I may have influenced her play-style somewhat, in some instances).

I had forgotten so many little details and saw new ones I had previously missed. I can truly say that I came away with a deeper appreciation of the game’s world by the time we were done. But most importantly, I got to watch my sister’s priceless reactions to some of the game’s weirder moments—some of them I willfully led her to find.

My sister and I have an excellent relationship. We rarely fight or have any sort of sibling rivalry. However, when I was presented with the opportunity to have a little fun at her expense in Breath of the Wild, I took it.

I’m not a terrible person. I just really enjoyed getting the controller thrown at me, sometimes.

Keeping Secrets

It’s not often my sister plays games on her own, and she especially dislikes the combat aspect to most of them. Exploring and building in games such as Dragon Quest Builders, Harvest Moon and Stardew Valley are more her speed. This means I’m usually the one to fight most of the battles whenever we play adventure games together. In Breath of the Wild, it was no different. She did have the occasional laugh at setting bokoblins on fire from afar or shooting arrows at Octoroks.

For my part, I mostly kept quiet on all the things she’d find as she wandered across Hyrule. I didn’t want her experience to be ruined by spoilers, and initially, I believed I was being kind. And I was! My intentions were good, I swear. But eventually, as we played through the early stages and I began to recall my adventures, I knew she’d start experiencing some dreadfully shocking things, which included lots of battles with Calamity Ganon’s forces.

And so, my secret keeping turned to wicked joy when I realized what was in store for her, and I looked forward to how she would react.

During my solo playthrough, the first time I had run into a blood moon—the game’s way of respawning enemies—I was safely indoors at a horse stable. My sister was less fortunate. “Keep going towards the field,” I told her, as I heard the all too familiar change in music whenever a blood moon approaches. Granted, she was in no real danger when her first blood moon eventually arrived but she panicked and quickly handed me the controller. It was a glorious moment.

The controller hand-off happened a few times during her journey. My sister would happily be exploring some corner of Hyrule and unwittingly stumble upon a sleeping cyclops, the Hinox, or one of those Wizzrobe jerks (after dealing with those spell-casting wizards for a second playthrough, I can truly say these enemies are some of my most hated). Inactive Guardians suddenly springing to life stressed her out every single time, and I may have smirked in each instance. To be fair, I was also nervous during my solo playthrough of Breath of Wild whenever those huge, deadly mechanical monsters came to life, too.

Quietly watching her fall into dangerous situations (and sometimes, actively encouraging her to explore perilous places) never got old during our 140 hours with Breath of the Wild.

My sister trusted me so much, at first, that when I asked her to stick to the roads in the early hours of the game, she did so without question. Was she happy when she believed she was talking to a hapless traveler but instead incurred the wrath of the Yiga—the clan hellbent on killing Link—in disguise? No, she was not. But was I? Yes, very much so.

Eventually, my secret keeping tactics failed me. She clued into my tricks when she noticed I sat up straight as we headed into the desert to find shrines. Having played the game before, I picked up on clues a lot faster. An open area surrounded by small rocks or ledges? That’s territory belonging to the terrifying sand monster, the molduga. I couldn’t pull a fast one on her as we approached the area because she saw my reaction. Curses.

We Saw So Many Strange Things (And I Got Yelled At Lots)

I didn’t just lead her into danger, I also withheld quest information from her. This led her to give me some vicious side-eye for dealing with some of Hyrule’s most horrible residents. I’ve discussed some of these awful characters before, so it was fun for me to see how she’d react in turn. Of course, in some cases, this backfired on me.

When I told her to go investigate the “fairy fountain” knowing full well that the Horse God, a scary deity, lived there, she was aptly terrified when she met him. But then she made me go collect 1000 rupees to recover the cost of activating the Horse God’s services. It was worth it and a small price to pay in exchange for watching her get mad at losing her hard-earned rupees.

Once she had finished her Tarrey Town quest, I asked her to go back to pick up some additional ones. I encouraged her to complete the Monster Cake quest with Hunnie, and the subsequent Guardian quest with Hagie. Her response to Hagie’s awful privileged request—making Link fight Guardians for his viewing pleasure like a sport—was so good. My sister vowed to burn the town down that she had so happily built hours before. It’s those moments I’ll cherish forever.

Had I not played the game once more, I also would not have seen the most curious glitch we came upon late one night. It happened some time after we had killed Master Kohga, the leader of the Yiga clan, and I had her on the hunt for rupees, Yiga weapons, and mighty bananas. By then, she had already yelled at me after realizing the increased frequency of Yiga attacks if we were too close to the roads. What we were not expecting was seeing one of the NPC traders—the ones who travel with donkeys—acting strangely on the path near Kakariko village:

It happened again at a different village, too. My sister felt very sorry them.

These are some of the best memories I’ll carry with me in life, made all the better by having my sister there to see them unfold in real time.

Adventuring Together Is Always Worth The Time

Experiencing Breath of the Wild a second time was fantastic. It wasn’t just that I got to play a little devil at times with my sister (and that certainly was some of the fun) but I also got to another chance to spend quality time with her. It’s nice to just relax, be chased by Guardians, and laugh at all the stupid things we saw and did.

As we get older, I’m constantly thinking about ways to spend time with my family, and sharing my interests with them. Whether it’s God of War with my Dad or scowling at my sister for her wishing that a fearsome lynel would bust me in face in Breath of the Wild, I’m happy we’re afforded the time to do so. I play a lot of single-player games, and sometimes, I forget that sharing the experience with my loved ones for firsthand accounts—even if it means passing the controller back and forth—is much better than relaying my excitement about something cool that happened in a game through mere discussions.

As an aside, even though I was not the nicest to my sister during her playthrough of Breath of the Wild, don’t worry about her. She absolutely creates more beautiful living spaces in Dragon Quest Builders 2 than I do, and she has been shoving it in my face at every opportunity. I got my comeuppance.

Do you have fun multiplayer experiences to share with siblings, friends and family? I’d love to hear them.

All images via screenshot on Nintendo Switch.

Source: Kotaku.com

Collecting Things (And Silly Animals) In Dragon Quest Builders 2 Is Stressful Fun

There has never been a video game checklist that I didn’t simultaneously love and hate. The Explorer’s Shores islands found in Dragon Quest Builders 2 are chock full of them, and I could not resist their siren songs. They led me to mini-adventures that were fun and mildly frustrating, as well as an absurd encounter with a foolish animal.

The sequel to the 2016 block building RPG—think Minecraft gameplay, but with a hefty story focus—is a ton of fun. The game, which was released last month for PlayStation 4 and Nintendo Switch, has a story that is a blend of hilarious, heartwarming and surprising, along with heartbreaking moments. As with other games in the Dragon Quest series, the NPCs shine here, too. They’re craven, rude, and blessed with funny dialogue. Some of the animals you can befriend in Dragon Quest Builders 2, however, are not as clever.

In Dragon Quest Builders 2, your character goes on seafaring adventures from their home, the Isle of Awakening, in search of materials to build up their base. Doing so takes players to other lands where major story events unfold. But one of the things I really looked forward to was going on scavenger hunters on smaller islands called Explorer’s Shores to unlock unlimited, specific item resources.

Going on an excursion to these Explorer’s Shores islands presents the player with a checklist of items to identify and catalog. The islands are home to monsters, as well as building blocks and materials players have access to at various parts of the story. They’re good for farming various materials but they also offer permanent rewards. For instance, silver is a key item on the second big main story location, and players can earn an infinite supply of it on a specific Explorer’s Shores island called Iridescent Island. But there’s a catch: it only unlocks if players can find every other item on a checklist for Iridescent.

Explorer’s Shores islands vary in climate, terrain, and supplies. Each contains different resources too, and not just the ones featured in main story quests. Some islands offer the chance to collect new seeds and plants for agricultural purposes, new residents, and animals that players can befriend to whisk away to the Isle of Awakening to live.

As an in-game item hoarder, there was nothing more satisfying than going on a hunt for materials in Dragon Quest Builders 2, finding them, and watching a small check mark pop up next to it on my checklist as proof of my success. While the process could be quite tedious at times, there was something delightful about the things I found, and where I located them. Sometimes the game forced me to go deeper inland to find that last item on my checklist. As I discovered one evening, this was quite an annoying endeavor. But that was part of the thrill, too, as there is no save option on Explorer’s Shores. Additionally, leaving the islands and returning means you have to start searching all over again as their layouts are randomly generated. [Updated for clarity at 12:53 p.m.: the island resets once you leave and return but you only have to search for remaining items on your checklist if you didn’t find them before leaving.]

I set up personal challenges for myself to see how quickly I could explore, and what risks I was willing to take before calling it quits. For me, Explorer’s Shores’ biggest rewards are the animals you can befriend. Thanks to the monsters that inhabit the islands, this proves slightly more of a challenge. If an animal gets scared, it will run off. It has to calm down before you can sneak up on it and attempt to befriend it again. Sometimes the animals are targets of aggressive monsters which can turn the task into a rescue mission. That’s not even the worst part. If an animal joins your team, it’s then up to you to keep them safe. This is where things can become troublesome.

On this particular evening, it was late and I needed to go to bed. But I had checked off so much of the list that I only needed three more things from Iridescent Island. So, of course, I pressed on instead of being sensible (I also realize I could have just put the Switch into sleep mode but that would be too easy). How hard could it be? Quite, actually, when there’s an idiotic in-game cow involved.

I had to search high in the blocky mountains for ore, gems, and green dye. It is also important to note that Iridescent Island is volcanic, and parts of the ground are lava. On my way to a high mountaintop, I spotted the native island’s animal—a cow—well below my position, near the shoreline. As it had taken me forever to climb up high, I decided to retrieve the cow after securing whatever mineral I was after. Having completed my task, I went back down to find the creature and found, in its stead, a cow’s skeleton. “This is weird,” I muttered. “Did a monster kill it?”

Look at all the things I found. And a cow that liked the lava way too much.

With two items left—green dye and a cow—I went back to climbing. Along the way I battled a golem who almost killed me. Then I laid eyes on it: a new, very-much-alive cow. It was hanging around a lava pool, of course, because I have surmised that Dragon Quest Builders 2’s cows have a death wish. I tried to approach it but had to save its life by pouring water over the lava it tried to walk into. This set off a chain reaction of the cow being scared by my presence, and it trying to run headlong into the lava for a gruesome, scorching death. Enemies surrounded us and began attacking, too, but somehow, I managed to befriend it and escape. My worries did not end there.

With green dye on top of a nearby mountain, which was also surrounded by lava pits and monsters, I had to make the decision: risk taking the idiot cow with me to the top of the mountain, or get the cow to safety by leaving the island and returning at a later time, on my own, to procure the dye.

I decided to be a daredevil but I am happy to report that it all worked out in the end. Things did get dicey but the cow, the green dye, along with some new residents, all made it back safely to the Isle of Awakening.

I had a few more moments of despair on other islands trying to find items for different checklists as well but I couldn’t help but conquer them all. The simple joys of exploring, finding new plants and animals, and building materials, was a lure that proved greater than the occasional aggravation the Explorer’s Shores islands presented.

That’s what video game checklists, sidequests, and scavenger hunts do: If they’re right in front of me, I can’t help but want to complete them. I’m usually not one to finish every task in a game but Dragon Quest Builders 2’s Explorer’s Shores islands were worthwhile incentives for budding builders such as myself. It was exciting collecting things to make my hometown feel more lived-in, busier, and look more pleasant. I relished the chance to set sail on the game’s “eleventy seas” to see what I could bring back.

As for my cow, it almost got killed by some low-leveled monster ants on the Isle of Awakening because it decided to roam the outskirts of the village, and climb up the surrounding cliffs where no one had eyes on it. I wised-up and built an animal house and pen for grazing so it will not be wandering again.

The entire experience made me question if I should return to Iridescent Island for more cows. I eventually did. But I really should not have had.

All images via screenshot on Nintendo Switch.

Source: Kotaku.com

These Rage 2 Characters Have Amazing Names But No Backstories, So I Made Some Up

I’ve met some real characters during my time playing Rage 2. And by characters, I mean glorified quest dispensers. There’s old guy, cool lady, and of course—who could forget?—third main story person. These folks get functional speaking parts, but I honestly can’t remember a word they’ve said. They’re bland potato people in a perfunctory post-apocalyptic stew. But some of Rage 2‘s characters deserve better. I speak, of course, of all the otherwise faceless NPCs with in-friggin’-credible names.

Rage 2—a game I’m enjoying because The Guns Feel Good, and sometimes that’s all you need—feels like it could’ve been the bizarro garage punk noise solo its trailers tried to portray it as, but then its mom came in and told it to turn down that awful racket. So now it’s got a standard-issue video game setting, but all the ladders are pink, because fuck you, mom. There are, however, sprinkles of legitimate strangeness throughout the game in the form of characters with names that beautifully straddle the line between trying too hard and not trying even a single bit. These, dear reader, are their names (that I didn’t make up) and their stories (that I did make up).

Bruise Armbar

A retired MMA fighter who earned his nickname by being wholly unable to bruise or armbar anybody and having very mean friends.

Annie Hilator

“Name’s Annie,” she tells people she meets through her job as a security guard outside a very exclusive club. “Annie Hilator,” she adds with a sly grin. “Get it?” No one’s ever gotten it.

Hella Brew

The coolest person in the whole wasteland. In his mind.

Ryan Cockaim

By day: the quietest guy at the accounting firm. By night: definitely does porn.

Fistu Lars

Ryan Cockaim’s partner. Not in porn, surprisingly, but very supportive of all his lover’s pursuits. Doesn’t believe in “the institution of marriage,” but would still kind of like it if Ryan proposed.

Peter O’Nails

Every time anyone’s asked him how his day is going, he’s replied “bad.”

Acid Rayne

Actually a staunch conservationist, trying to bring plants and wildlife back to this smoking crater of a world. He swears he saw a duck once, to the point that it’s the only story he tells at parties. People laugh at him for this, and he suffers from pretty bad depression.

Lazer Fist

She is THE LAW.


Younger brother of Bruce, older brother of Brucest.

Bad Bertha

Probably one of the top ten worst Berthas, but surprisingly not that bad as far as people go, in general.

Andi Wasteland

SWEARS the wasteland was named after her and not the other way around. Might be right???

Bronco Koronco

Can only say his own name. Is the life of every party.





The final Twitter user. Named by his mother, who was the final Twitter user before him. She passed away many years ago, but remains his only follower. It’s all very tragic, actually.

Lisa Nailgun

The real main character of Rage 2. You’re just a supporting character in their story. Sorry to break it to you this way. If you need someone to help you process this, just hit me up. I’m happy to help. You know I care about you.

DognBone von Carrotcake

Like I’d sully a name this good with some pithy made-up story.

Durk Viscous

Right hand man of DognBone von Carrotcake. Knows very little about about them. Loves them with all his heart. Spends all day on the internet re-posting #relatablecontent.

Wimothy Tillits

I don’t know. Some loser, probably.

Source: Kotaku.com

Family Life Has Turned One Of World Of Warcraft’s Greatest Heroes Into Mel Gibson

In the latest cinematic trailer for World of Warcraft, orc leader Varok Saurfang travels to Outland in search of legendary Horde warchief Thrall, who retired with his wife and children following the events of the Legion expansion. What Saurfang finds is green Mel Gibson, but is it Braveheart Mel Gibson or The Patriot Mel Gibson?

Family life has treated Thrall pretty well. After killing his old friend Garrosh Hellscream toward the end of Warlords of Draenor and passing on leadership of the Earthen Ring to a player character in Legion, WoW’s orc daddy decided it was time to focus on his family. Gathering his wife and son, Thrall left for the rolling plains of Nagrand on the shattered remnants of the orc homeworld of Draenor.

When we last saw the Horde hero, he looked basically like this.

As seen in the cinematic below, Thrall’s been working on himself since then. He built a nice little homestead, grown out his hair and stopped plucking his eyebrows. He’s become Mel Gibson.

I thought I might be alone in thinking this. Maybe I harbored some deep-seated obsession with the anti-semitic actor. But no, within the first couple of comments on Blizzard’s post, my observation was echoed. Thrall has a green Mel Gibson vibe going here.

Again, not sure if it’s Braveheart Gibson or Patriot Gibson. The braids and the orcish love of war paint immediately bring William Wallace to mind, but Thrall’s major concern isn’t anyone taking away his freedom. In the cinematic, we discover that Sylvanas Windrunner, current Horde warchief and all-around murderous nutball, sent assassins to murder Thrall and likely his family. A retired war hero drawn back into battle when his family is in danger makes me think of The Patriot. I’m torn.

Either way, green Mel Gibson returns to active duty in World of Warcraft in the upcoming Rise of Azshara update. Whichever version he turns out to be, he’s sure to be much more likable than white Mel Gibson.

Source: Kotaku.com

Dear Overwatch, Let Me Ride The Motorcycle


Earlier this week, when Blizzard introduced Overwatch’s latest co-op mission, Storm Rising, the teaser trailer featured Tracer on a motorcycle. It was accompanied by the tagline “Chase the truth.” When I logged in to try out the mission today, I was immediately greeted by a screen of Tracer on a motorcycle. I started the mission. A cut-scene prominently featuring Tracer on a motorcycle played. Despite all this, I was not able to ride the motorcycle. This is a travesty.

The mission is fine. Not great, but fine. It’s basically that scene at the start of an Avengers movie where all the heroes work together to beat up a bunch of scrubs who normally wouldn’t even warrant a stern look from Nick Fury, but the filmmakers have to show that The Gang’s All Here and set up the actual plot. It’s time for Hulk to grab a normal human man and peel him like a banana or something. The problem with Storm Rising is that it ends after that part. Tracer, Winston, Mercy, and Genji run through a level battering the same selection of no-name soldiers from last year’s co-op mission. They’re pursuing a rich Omnic—a humanoid robot, basically—named Maximilien, and then we get a cutscene that introduces some menacing new robo-villain. That’s it. It feels like a setup for something. This has led to disappointment among Overwatch fans, who expected more after a year between co-op missions.

The reason I’m disappointed is that I couldn’t ride the motorcycle. It’s pretty simple math, really: If you show me your game’s main character on a motorcycle, I expect to be able to ride it. This becomes achingly true if you show me that motorcycle in three separate places before I even get to the part where I play the dang game. And you allude to a chase scene! The mission, as it stands, is not a chase at all. That part happens in cut-scenes, and it’s way cooler than anything you actually do in the mission. Tracer weaves between a heavily armored convoy guarding Maximilien on her glorious new hover-steed, and then she dispatches soldiers with some good old-fashioned motorcycle-fu. Winston, Genji, and Mercy obliterate cars in their own cool ways, too, but the motorcycle, man!


It’s not like riding a motorcycle is some unattainable video game fantasy. Games have let me voyage to infinite worlds and experience sights that humans of previous eras couldn’t comprehend. They have also let me ride motorcycles and use them as swords. I imagine those ancient people—our hardy forebears, the First Men—would want to ride the Overwatch motorcycle, too. There is a pulse that beats in all of us no matter where or when we’re from, no matter how much knowledge of the world’s inscrutable workings we contain. It tells us to persevere, to move forward, to live. To ride the motorcycle.

I get it: Overwatch is a video game that was not, strictly speaking, designed with motorcycles in mind. It probably would’ve taken far too much work for what is, ultimately, a one-off event. Cool. The last thing I’d want is for Blizzard employees to overwork themselves for the sake of a throwaway feature. With that in mind, why include the motorcycle at all? Tracer’s whole thing is that she’s fast. She could easily run or time hop to catch up with the convoy. If Blizzard still wanted wheels in the equation, they could’ve given her Heelys. As is, giving Tracer a motorcycle is kind of like giving Sonic The Hedgehog a car, or a snowboard, or any number of other means of locomotion that aren’t his furry, movie-poster legs: it misses the whole point.

Again, though, I’d be willing to overlook those gaping logical fallacies if I was just able to ride the motorcycle. To feel the wind in my virtual hair and see the open road outstretched before me, crowded with hopeless scrub soldiers for me to knock down like so many viscera-filled bowling pins. Alas, I fear I will only ever be able to ride that Overwatch motorcycle in my dreams.

Source: Kotaku.com

The Internet Reacts To Nintendo’s Weirdly Suggestive Toad Promotional Video

Hey, it’s Toad, loyal pal of Princess Peach and Mario. Who doesn’t love Toad? What are you up to, buddy? How’s it hangin— Oh. Oh no.

This clip of someone seemingly stomping on Toad’s whole dick—which, as long as we’re opening this Pandora’s Box, probably has its own little face—comes to us courtesy of Nintendo’s official Line account. Line is a messaging service that’s popular in Japan but also available in North America. Nintendo’s advertising on Line often includes a green Toad who’s appeared alongside characters in games like Undertale and Final Fantasy X in those games’ art styles. It’s charming! Kinda. Never once, however, have I thought, “Wow, I sure do want to learn more about Green Toad.” Never once have I said, “I wonder if Green Toad enjoys dick torture.”

Today, Nintendo answered the question no one asked. As part of a Green Toad-themed promo for the new Nintendo Labo VR kit, which came out today, Nintendo showed off a cardboard Toad getting stomped on and making a series of deeply uncomfortable noises. Supposedly, he was doing sit ups, as evidenced by the image of a super buff Green Toad that appeared immediately afterward. The internet, however, had other ideas.

Source: Kotaku.com

Snake Gets Added To Google Maps

Snake, the game most famous for its appearance on ancient Nokia phones, is making a temporary comeback over the next day or two (depending on where you are in the world) with a version being added to Google Maps for an April 1 treat.

It’s available from April 1 on both iOS and Android, and Google says it’ll be live “for about a week”. To access it, just slide out the menu, pick a city and try not to make too many jokes about the state of everyone’s actual public transport system.

If you’re on desktop—or just want to play it later, since it’s going to be live much longer here—there’s also a website where the game is playable with a keyboard.

Google has a long history of taking a day normally associated with tricks and pain and doing genuinely cool and interactive stuff, like foreshadowing Pokemon Go back in 2014.

Source: Kotaku.com

New Doom Map Recreates A Famously Terrible Bathroom

Two years ago, a Something Awful user decided to renovate his bathroom, and did it in about the worst way possible. Not only was it a garish mess—it looks like a Helghast home improvement show—but he violated a bunch of building codes with some reckless DIY along the way.

As bad as all that is, you can now enjoy it from a distance with a Doom map that faithfully recreates the room. It also has an excellent name.

If you’re wondering why the ground around the bath is causing damage, that’s because the actual bathroom featured rocks all around the bath (designed to grow moss), and the damage caused to Doom Guy is a reflection of the damage we have all had to take looking at this casino/Yakuza bar colour scheme.

You can download the map here.

Via Motherboard.

Source: Kotaku.com

Mexican Newspaper Prints Graphic Of The New Pokémon Games: Sword, Shield, And Gun

One of the funniest reactions to last week’s reveal of Pokémon Sword and Shield for the Nintendo Switch was Twitter user @Sir5000’s joking addition of Pokémon Gun to the lineup. The mock logo is so convincing, Mexican newspaper La Voz de Michoacán ran with it.

On February 27 the La Voz de Michoacán website ran a story about the announcement of Pokémon Sword and Shield. The story made no mention of Gun, the joke game that does not exist, but did include a retweeted version of @Sir5000’s image.

It was an odd choice of Tweets to include. Then the print version of the paper, published on March 2, made an even odder choice. The story, written by Mario Plancarte, contained no mention of Pokémon Gun. The accompanying art, however, included all three logos, each corresponding to one of the game’s starters. The glorious Scorbunny and weeping Sobble are Shield and Sword respectively, while grass monkey Grookey looks like he’s reaching for a pistol.

Twitter user Cin Ceja brought the article to light on March 3 with the message, “My local newspaper, always doing research before publishing anything.”

According to print article author Plancarte, he was only responsible for the written portion of the page. The department responsible for formatting the article looks to have combined official Nintendo art of the starters with the two real and one fake logos. It looks like the paper even scrubbed @Sir5000’s watermark from the Gun logo. La Voz de Michoacán issued an apology for the silly image earlier today.

We’re just disappointed that the newspaper wasn’t reporting a huge scoop. We’d really like Nintendo to make a game called Pokémon Gun.

Source: Kotaku.com